Mandy Oviatt: Author

Tis nearly the Season

Hello! Miles Herman, Here.

SantaWith the holidays coming up soon, I thought I’d take a moment to talk about how the experiences I have, being who I am, during the holiday season.

I love, I seriously love Yule. And that love starts with the day Americans call “Black Friday” and doesn’t stop until the New Year.

I get to weird people out. I get to have a huge amount of people worship me during Black Friday. I get tons of power during the annual rush to stand in line. I’m a god of travel.

The longer I keep people traveling, even if it is a really slow movement, the better I get ahead in the game of counting points. I love the whole world trying to solve how I get everything where it needs to be when it needs to be where it needs to be and addressed to the right people.

 

I can be everywhere, anywhere I want to be in a blink of an eye. I love how people work hard to catch me by eliminating chimneys. I love the number of open windows that become other options. The thing about that phrase about “closed doors and open windows” is that it isn’t about a happy opportunity for you guys, but is actually a warning about me. When I close a door, I leave a window available for my escape.

 

I’m a sneaky guy, always have been. It takes panache to talk your way out of stealing a herd of cows. It takes surprise to please a god with a dead animal skeleton and stretched out intestines by calling it a musical instrument. Hello, I even named it after myself, the Liar! (I still can’t believe Apollo bought it. Sucker.)

 

That same risky behaviour pays off in relatively the same way when you talk otherwis civilized societies into risking salmonella and ringworm by drinking raw eggs by calling it “nog” (Humans will actually buy anything) and serving boar heads as meals for the holiday. There is no animal that I have not talked you guys into eating, and no other time is it as obvious as the Holidays. Bee-vomit soaked pig-butt, raw egg and cow-sweat beverages, really just a marvel that you guys resisted longer.

 

But you guys want me to talk about how I love Yule. I used to love how people chopped down trees to make way for parking lots. I even like how people replant trees to keep Demeter happy. Not a fan of the plastic tree, it just doesn’t have the same ‘feeling’ as a real holiday. True, you cover the trees in lights, perhaps to make my father happy, but nothing is more amazing to me than to see how different, and how similar, every tree is every year.

 

I love the milk and cookies. Warm baked goods, left behind for me, and occasionally fruits and veggies for the reindeer are a special treat, and an appreciated payment from the children to me. Santa does prefer a good ol’ fashioned eggnog or a lager every now and again (I keep an elf on standby to help me fly).

milk cookies

 

Ever hear the phrase “there’s a god that looks out for children?” Yeah, that’s me.

I love children. Not in a “call the cops” sort of way, I’m not a pervert. The happy looks on their faces when they see my representations every year, they see my duplicates at the malls (Every single Mall Santa has a spark of me in him somewhere.) I love their candor, their bravery, the fearlessness of children. Children understand me, and I understand them.

 

And before it becomes a thing, no…Santa hunting is not cool. There is this guy in Texas, or wait, is he in Arizona…whatever, tell that guy to quit going Santa hunting. The whole game is ruined if someone sees us. Don’t follow his example, don’t try to catch me. Stay inside, drink nog and don’t try to watch me. It is a private thing I do and watching me while I am in the living room doing it is just creepy.

 

That is why I wear the Zeus mask. So people will leave me alone. I love what the new pictures of me look like. I would totally run a package store, but I would never use a thermos…not without the cup and the collectible lunchbox.. Because the cup and the box are part of the package.

 

I really love wrapping presents. That actually comes from a ritual to seal the box on all sides from evil. You are supposed to use shiny material to ward off the spirits. Hera designed it as a way to keep me from opening her anniversary presents.

 

silver packageI was young, foolish, not near as handsome, and thought the spirits inside the box were watching me. I had been fooled before by Argus, her manservant. So that is why you are supposed to seal the gifts in shiny paper with images: to confuse me. Now I do the same to keep kids out. If it worked on me, it could work on someone else.

 

My favorite worshippers are the ones who use unorthodox paper or work he whole year to make it special. There is this guy Georgia who saves the funny papers all year long so he can wrap the presents for the kids. That guy is going places. I made a going places joke because I am the god of going.

 

 

Wow, Tough Crowd!

There are people who theme together their trees. I love themed Christmases. I would like to see more of my followers help me in this tradition of making all the gifts work together. Just like random weird gods work best as a set of accessories, I approve of the Voltron idea…but I will form the head.

 

 

 

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